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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28997370">i shouldn’t act as if the damage wouldn’t break up those involved</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper/pseuds/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper'>ifiOnlyhadmorePaper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pitch Perfect</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Unrequited Love, abandoned friendship, birthday gift, night club, you’re my world by atlas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:49:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28997370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper/pseuds/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>birthday gift for @unholyhelbig on tumblr</p><p>https://ifionlyhadmorepaper.tumblr.com/post/641356863798214656/i-shouldnt-act-as-if-the-damage-wouldnt-break-up</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beca Mitchell/Original Character(s), Chloe Beale &amp; Beca Mitchell, Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, Other characters mentioned - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i shouldn’t act as if the damage wouldn’t break up those involved</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnholyHelbig/gifts">UnholyHelbig</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i hope you like it shelby! happy early b-day!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>Beca never remembered New York feeling so cold. It sent chills down her spine, and her jaw clenched, but that hadn’t been new. She’d been tense since she left, two years ago. Now, where was she? She was in a dingy bathroom, in front of a spotty mirror, staring at a woman she didn’t know. She couldn’t see herself, but who even was that before? Her eyes were glassy and red, and her lipgloss was mostly gone, and faded, wiped down her chin. Beca never was a sloppy drunk, she knew she was a lightweight, but the knowledge that Chloe was on the dance floor, just feet away, gave Beca the need to drink herself blind. Someone knocked on the door, and Beca’s eyes didn’t move from the mirror, “Just a minute,” She wiped the gloss off her chin, and looked at herself once more before she opened the door. The club-goer looked at her with a surprised face, and Beca smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Sorry about that, just touching up,” She squeezed her shoulder as she passed by, and as soon as she stepped away, her personal assistant walked up to her, “How’s my makeup, the lighting made me look worse,”</p><p>“All good, just like a doll,” they said.</p><p>“Thanks, Ren,” Beca winked, and slipped past them, “Keep an eye out, I might get a car in a bit,”</p><p>“You got it,” Ren said. Beca nodded, and turned back around to the bar. She sighed heavily, and rolled her shoulders, keeping the illusion that this was her scene. She preferred being home, under a throw blanket, with one of her records playing, staring into her existence. It was lonelier now, more than it was, and Beca watched Chloe dance, with no visible worry, and her chest ached something awful. There never seemed to be a time for confessions, Beca hadn’t even known what she would be confessing to, and sitting on a stool — seeing Chloe under the blue lighting — she broke her own heart, thinking if only she’d known then. She wasn’t sure how much it would’ve changed things; maybe Chloe would have come as her date, and Beca would have held her so tightly in her arms, as they danced. It could have ruined the one good thing Beca has ever had, she probably wouldn’t have gotten this far seeing as Chloe has been her muse for years, nothing else could have ever pushed her like Chloe did. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed very much, maybe they would still be here, just like this, together but not.</p><p>Now that Beca stood there, at this impromptu, and small, not-really reunion, she faced her long, silent suffering for the first time in a long time. It was Emily, Stacie, Aubrey, and Chloe. Emily came with Beca, from San Francisco, and she was nowhere to be found. Emily had asked her before they left if she was sure she didn’t need a way to keep the interaction between her and Chloe minimal, and friendly. Beca said no; she couldn’t keep herself away from Chloe, much less keep her at arms length. Now that Chloe was approaching her, Beca wished she had because she couldn’t promise herself she wouldn’t cry this time, “Hey, Beca,”</p><p>“Hey,” Beca internally grimaced at how distant her own name felt.</p><p>“How have you been?” Chloe asked, as she sat on the stool next to her. Beca nodded, with a humorless grin on her face.</p><p>“I’ve been great, I love public break ups,” Chloe nodded, and Beca was sure she had no idea what to say to that, “Granted it was staged, but you know,”</p><p>“You never did like to cause a scene,” Chloe chuckled, and bumped her shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah,”</p><p>“Except that one time, when you punched that guy and broke-“</p><p>“I didn’t break that window, we all know it was Amy, okay?” Beca laughed, “If she wasn’t trying to peg him with the guys’ trophy, it wouldn’t have gone through a window.”  Chloe rolled her eyes, and Beca nodded mindlessly, “I just kind of wished they’d told me when it was going to happen, I mean, at least Miles could’ve,”</p><p>“Miles Rink is a dumb name anyway,” Chloe scoffed, and Beca couldn’t tell if the disdain was real or exaggerated.</p><p>“Yeah, but I don’t know, I feel…” She gestured her hand, as if wafting in an accurate description, “I feel like a sellout,”</p><p>“You’re not a sellout,” Chloe said softly, as she put her hand on Beca’s knee, “You’re… amazing, Beca,” She turned her head to look at her, and Chloe’s eyes were staring so intently at her that her voice died on her tongue, and she was suddenly sobered.</p><p>“Um,”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I-“</p><p>“I have to go,” Beca blurted, finding Ren, down the bar, and nodding at them for an escape car. She turned fast on her heels, and walked away, disregarding the other people in the crowd, and the faint sound of Chloe’s voice over the music. As soon as the door opened, the frigid air hit her, and her heels clicked on the pavement.</p><p>“Beca, wait!”</p><p>“Go back inside,” Beca said, finding a clear spot to wait for Ren, and her ride. Chloe grabbed her wrist, when Beca turned to face her, she was slammed back into that haunting memory of the argument that did them in.</p><p>…...</p><p>
  <em> “I just don’t understand,” Chloe’s voice said behind her. Beca’s headphones were snug around her neck, and her hand was wrapped around her mouse, “Help me understand, Beca,” Beca continued to say nothing; there wasn’t anything she could say other than truth, and Beca just wasn’t ready to lose it all. “If there is a problem with me going out, tell me,” Beca breathed deeply, and waited for Chloe to let up and just leave, “Well?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t have a problem with you going out,” she mumbled. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Are you sure?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m not your mom, do whatever you want to do,” Chloe laughed angrily. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What do you want me to do, Beca? How can I appease your needs?” Beca shook her head and continued to stare at her darkening computer screen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Dude, I don’t care,” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sure, pal,”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I just think it’s kind of shitty that we had a whole night planned before I go, and you’re bailing on me,” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t have to go, you just didn’t have an opinion when I asked you about it, so I confirmed and now you’re upset? Now you want to say something?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t care, Chloe, just go then,” Beca snapped. Thunder rolled in the sky, and the onslaught of rain was swept against the window by the strong wind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’re unbelievable, Beca!” Chloe yelled, “If you want me to stay just say that, the mixed signals aren’t cute!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m not trying to give you mixed signals, Chloe,” Beca turned her desk chair around, and walked past Chloe, without passing a glance in her general direction, “If you want to go, then go-“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “See? There it is again!” She could hear Chloe stomping after her, “I know you don’t mean that, and your saying things but not meaning them is exhausting!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well, I don’t feel great about canceling, this was in the plans before tonight, and you knew that,” Beca argued, her voice eerily calm. She was tired. She was so tired of pretending to be okay, “It shouldn’t have been an option, but if you want to go that’s fine-“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What do you want?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What does it matter?” Beca opened the fridge, and pulled out seltzer water for herself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Because I’m asking you!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “And I’m answering,” Beca played with the tab, listening to the small tink it made against the aluminum. There was a long pause in the conversation, and it made Beca uneasy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I…” Chloe whispered, “I need to be done with you,”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Done with me?” She heard Chloe sigh, and eventually walk away. Only then was Beca able to turn around to look at Chloe, as she walked away from her. Beca went back to her desk, and listened to the chair hiss as she sat down. She couldn’t go on, not like this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A while after, Chloe left the apartment, and Beca went to bed early, without dinner, to catch her flight the next morning. </em>
</p><p>…...</p><p>“What, Chloe?” Beca voice broke. After that, they hadn’t talked for the majority of Beca’s tour. Nothing was the same, there was a gap so big between them that Beca could drive right through it with an eighteen-wheeler.</p><p>“Why is it so easy to walk away from me?” Chloe’s lip wobbled, and Beca could spy tears in her eyes, “Did it mean anything to you? Did <em> I </em> mean anything to you?”</p><p>“Of course you did,” Beca whispered. A few people stumbled out of the club, and walked right between them. She turned away, to watch cars pass until she couldn’t hear their drunken chatter. The street light at the corner flickered, and the sound of shrill breaks echoed through the side street. Beca ignored the hard thumping in her chest, as she recalled every moment that made her fall in love with her.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have said that to you,” Chloe finally said, “I’m sorry, I-I really didn’t mean it, I just…” She wiped her cheeks, “I didn’t want to go, and I thought if you asked me to stay, I’d be satisfied with that until you came back,”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Beca shook her head and looked at the little dots spreading across the dirty sidewalk, as rain began to fall from the sky.</p><p>“Just… what happened to us?” Chloe stood up straighter, and played with the ends of her hair.</p><p>“It’s…” Beca hesitated, unsure of where to start, “I can’t explain,”</p><p>“Can you try?” Chloe pleaded. Beca tried to make the most of the quiet between them, but it was only a warning that it wouldn’t last very long. Beca knew she was running out of ways to avoid this conversation, but part of her spirit just wanted to say it and set the hurt free. She rubbed her palms down the skirt of her dress, and glanced around, trying to find enough reasons to cut their chat short. After all this time, she still couldn’t look Chloe in the face.</p><p>“I fell,” she heard Chloe’s breathing stutter and she looked up at her, and Chloe nodded, “Pretty hard actually,”</p><p>“With me?” Chloe asked, and Beca swallowed thickly.</p><p>“Yeah,”</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Beca looked down at her feet, seeing the buckle of her heels sparkle under the dim lights from the club, “I think it happened over time, you know?”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chloe’s nose twitched like it always did when she cried. Beca’s eyes stung; she was never able to watch Chloe cry. The rail fell harder, and Beca could feel the water soaking through her dress, “And then you left, like…”</p><p>“It was easier than saying it out loud,” Beca rubbed her nose to keep herself from sniffling, “It was easier than saying it because then it was something that could hurt me,” She continued, over the loud sounds of the lighting and thunder clashing over them, “What was I supposed to do when my favorite part of myself was you?”</p><p>“Bec, I would never hurt you,” Chloe tried to break the space; she put her hand out, but then she quickly retracted, and crossed her arms over herself, “Not on purpose.”</p><p>“I know,” Beca nodded, wiping her hair from her face, “I know,” the street was illuminated by white lightning striking over the buildings, and the taillights from the cars waiting at the light tinted it red.</p><p>“I should’ve told you that I loved you too,” Chloe shouted over the sounds of cars honking, “I should never have let you leave without you knowing that,” Beca felt herself bursting at the seams, “And I wish things could’ve been different,”</p><p>“Me too,” Beca licked the rain off of her lips, “It would’ve been really cool if it worked out that way,”</p><p>“It still can,” Chloe said, shyly. Beca opened her mouth to speak, when Ren interrupted.</p><p>“Your car is here,” Beca watched them grow uncomfortable and awkward, realizing they’d walked into the middle of something.</p><p>“Thanks,” Beca watched them tell the driver that she would only be a minute. Beca looked at Chloe, with a sad smile, and she looked at the car again, seeing her morphed reflection staring back at her, “I’ll see you,”</p><p>“Goodbye, Beca,” Beca took one last look, and slid into the backseat of the car. The driver pulled off, and as soon as they turned the corner, Beca let her tears fall freely, with a deep and anguished sob. She clutched the front of her dress in her hand, and tried to breathe through the heartbreak. The car came to a smooth stop at a jammed intersection, and Beca closed her eyes as she rested her head against the cool window. Her eyes hurt and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears, as she replayed the entire scene again, remembering the way rain drops slid down Chloe’s face, and the pained look in her eyes. Beca thought all of the noise inside her head would stop, that she could put it to rest, and while trying to shove it back into Pandora’s box, she heard yelling from outside the car. She turned around to see Chloe running along the sidewalk, calling Beca’s name looking everywhere except at her car.</p><p>“Beca!” </p><p>“I’m… gonna step out real quick,” she mumbled toward the driver, she opened the door and stepped cautiously out onto the street, barely able to see Chloe in the downpour, “Chloe!”</p><p>“Beca!” Beca quickly walked between the cars to get to her, trying not to slip on the slick pavement.</p><p>“Chloe, what the hell are you doing?” </p><p>“I can’t do this again!” Beca stood in front of her, watching the way her mascara came down in streams of black, “I  don’t want to do this!”</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Beca shouted, confused, and anxiously looking back at her car, seeing it was still unmoved.</p><p>“I don’t want things to work themselves out!” Chloe stepped closer to her, “I want to work them out,”</p><p>“Chloe, what are you saying?” Chloe grabbed her hand.</p><p>“I don’t want to be ‘done’ with you, I don’t want to wait until you’re gone to wish it was different,” She squeezed Beca’s hand, looking at her with an earnest smile, and her ocean blue eyes. Beca stared at her, her breath came out with fog, and she could feel rain dripping from the tip of her nose. She nodded, softly, and a grin spread across her mouth. Chloe wrapped her arms tightly around her, and Beca basked in the warmth, as if the sun were out. When they pulled apart, Chloe’s eyes moved from her eyes down to her mouth, and her tongue darted out to wet her lips, “Can I kiss you?”</p><p>“Yes, please,” Chloe breath brushed over her lips, and it felt like an eternity before finally they collided at the same time instead of passing by, they crashed into each other. Chloe’s fingers found their way into her hair, and grasped firmly at Beca’s dark tresses, making her tug at the back of her clothes. Her kiss was white hot, and everything was being scorched off the surface of Beca’s brain at the mere force of Chloe’s kiss. She could taste the rain water on her lips, and a hint of beer, and between hello and goodbye, and all the missing pieces, appeared someone she was familiar with.</p><hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>good? bad? let me know :)</p><p>follow shelby on tumblr @unholyhelbig </p><p>and you can follow me too @ifionlyhadmorepaper</p></blockquote></div></div>
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